The Day (after) You Left

I have felt stuck since Oliver's leaving. My body feels complacent, lackadaisical, uninterested. I'm still getting out. I'm still putting myself into the wilds around me. There is delight available and I've reveled in some, but a thread of meaninglessness weaves through all of it. I suppose this isn't new news. The world is like this. What a horrific reminder your leaving has been..

This is what I wrote the day I learned of your leaving.

March 31, 2025

You left today, at least, today is the day that I became aware of your leaving. I couldn’t have been less prepared. She could have said anything on that phone and I would have been more prone to believe it. You left.

I fell to my knees. Later, I would look at my phone, the log of incoming and outgoing calls, to be sure that she did in fact call me with this news.

You were running. And then you weren’t. You were probably listening to a Brené Brown podcast, multi-tasking your self-care. So efficient of you.

But that is all I know…and it is not enough.

What happened? I want to know. What were you thinking when you went to the ground? Did you have time to think at all? I am so egotistical that I think if I had just been there with you, I could have called for help, saved your life by pushing on your chest, or at least held you while you left.

I knew I cared about you, but the way my chest lost its air today surprised me. I almost thought I was impervious to such losses, an odd ability to downplay or detach from big affection. Today, I was shown otherwise. Your leaving is breaking me.

I have kept repeating “I wanted so much more with him!” And I did. Plans for our Mt. Hood circumnavigation and my efforts to get you to join me in the Harvey Manning Challenge. You’re a joyfully sadistic human and I am certain I would have won you over…to more voluntary suffering. You weren’t hard to convince.

And now I don’t get any of that with you.

I have only heard you talk about one person with a hint of unhappiness, and even then, you were kind and understanding, your speech respectful. I had much to learn from you.

But now I don’t…

This world is not the place it was with you absent. I liked knowing that you were there. I liked knowing that in just a few weeks we would be out on another adventure together in Guatemala. I looked forward to doing more life with you.

But now…

Your lack of fear was incredible to witness. Whether it was bad dancing or running in the forest, your pursuit of delight and laughter and simple fun had its affect on me.

Denial is strong today (small in comparison to the anger that has been building). I know life is not fair, but this feels ridiculous. This feels like it is all broken.

And yet I have the awareness that this is nothing new under the sun. This breaking happens every minute of every day, a human torn from the lives of other humans. Today it was my turn, our turn.  And it hurts so bad.

But...why?

All I can say, over and over, “I wanted so much more with you.”

The day before you left.